Perpetual Unexpected Twists

I will be 30 in two days. There is something very wrong with that. How can a young girl like me turn 30? Also, I realized today just how gross my body has become. Ew.
I have t least 35 lbs to lose by Dec 31, 2006. It's going to be an interesting year!

My BIL, Mark, bought my sister, Liberty, tickets to Neil Diamond, and we went last night. AWESOME!!! AWESOME!!!! It was such a good time! Even though Neil is old, he does a KICK BUTT concert. It was seriously the best.

Keira got her helmet on Tuesday. I haven't taken a picture yet. I'm pretty much hanging out in denial. She doesn't mind it, though. I'm not even sure if she is aware it's there... I pray that she won't have to wear it for long!

So, we went to San Diego over Thanksgiving weekend with my sister and BIL. It was A BLAST! (It was a good warm-up for our trip to LA!) We went to Legoland (lame) and also to Sea World (KICK BUTT!) That was my first time in California since Dad took us to Disneyland however many years ago. We also went to the beach on Sunday, and the kids had the best time. (Well, Zach was scared to DEATH of the water, but had a raging good time playing in the sand!) LOL

Keira has plagiocephaly (aka, “Flat Head Joe”), and she was cast for her helmet today (see attached pictures). Yes, Keira is going to be “Helmet Head” until her soft little skull reshapes itself. She should have the helmet in 10-14 days. She has to wear it for 23 hours a day. I don’t know for how long… anywhere from 1-6 months. Ack. Twins are a lot of fun, but often a pain in the keister, well the medical conditions anyway. Aargh! $1500 out of my pocket for this stupid thing. She should have been a little pushier when Ketty was hanging out on top of her, huh?

I have some exciting news! Keira has a TOOTH! Yay! I'm not really sure why I am so excited... I think mostly because it proves she isn't a runt. I don't know if that makes sense or not...

Audesi had a great birthday. Our family is good about showing up for things like that.

The twins have started to roll a lot. Ketera prefers to be on her tummy. It’s funny how different their personalities are. Keira is a total entertainer, class clown type, and Ketera is just a demure, wall-flower type. They also have varying strengths and weaknesses. Ketera loves to eat food, while Keira acts like you have just put poop in her mouth, and gags and chokes, refusing to swallow. Keira chatters and chatters, and Ketera barely talks.

Audesi is just about to have her birthday. She reminds me everyday. I told her that when she is 4, and Zachary is 3, and Ciana is 10, and Holly is home, we are going to Disneyland. Of course, she heard “when you are 4, we are going to Disneyland.” I have to keep telling her that she has to wait for ALL of those things. Ha ha.

Brett loves his new job. Woo hoo! Everyone keeps commenting on how much happier he is. It’s great.

I am SO sick and tired of Zach having weak lungs. Audesi got a cold the other day, had a little cough, whatever. The next day Zach looks like he is going to die. He was pale, breathing shallow, fever of 102, hacking cough, etc. GIVE ME A BREAK! This is only the beginning of a winter-full of pneumonia. BLAH!

Keira has the FLATTEST head. It's called plagiocephally. It sucks, and I am really worried that she won't grow out of it. Imagine pigtails on that head. Weird.

The twins had their 4-month appt. They failed almost every milestone. It made me sad, but the doctor kept reassuring me that they are preemies, so they aren't really 4 months old in the first place. I kind of had it in my mind that they were average, and in being average (for a
4-month-old) were actually above average. Does that make sense? They weighed 11lbs 13oz (Keira) and 11lbs 14oz (Ketera). Keira's head and neck are all messed up, though. She has torticollis and also has a very flat head (think of a circle with one side cut off). She has this new Bumbo seat that she is supposed to sit in, to stay off of the back of her head, and to help strengthen her neck muscles on the one side, and she HATES it!

Also, they tried cereal for the first time. Ketera could take it or leave it, but Keira was OFFENDED that I would put such a thing in her mouth. LOL So funny.

I let Ciana and Audesi put red streaks in their hair on Weds. They think it is the coolest thing ever! Ha ha.

I got all the proof I needed yesterday that I am old and fat. I was playing with my kids, and they wanted to see me do a head stand. I got down, kicked my feet up and CRACK - something in my back popped from the enormous weight, and I was immobilized. I couldn't move, and it hurt to breath. I was sure I had broken my back. Obviously I didn't. After a horrifying 60 seconds or so, I was able to stand up and take a few deep breaths. My back is now REALLY sore, and I'm never doing a head stand again.

I did Mary Tyler Moore's aerobics tape with Ciana last night, and let's just say I had NO idea how out-of-shape I got in my pregnancy. I shouldn't have given my gym pass to my BIL! I am seriously considering getting a new one. This CAN'T go on!!!

Whoever said being a mother is not work needs a smack in the face! I have been REALLY REALLY busy with the twins, and then add the toddlers to that, and I want to throw in the proverbial towel! The twins are growing so well. I am still exclusively breastfeeding, and I have to say, I am pretty proud of myself. I was about to give in and start supplementing them 2 months ago, but their pediatrician convinced me to stick it out a while longer. I am SO glad that I did! The last time the were weighed (at 3 1/2 months) they both weighed 11lbs 12oz. Amazing!

I know I wrote that I wasn't going to have any more kids, but I decided that I need to have one more... a nice even number. Then I'll either get my tubes tied, or have Brett get snipped. I am actually looking forward to having the last one, and moving on to the "next phase" in my life.

Wow - those paragraphs are really incongruous, aren't they? Ha ha ha.

The babies were blessed last week, and it was really cool. It was totally one of the most spiritual experiences in my life, even though it was "just" baby blessings. Mostly because I felt the spirit again for the first time in a long time, more than anything else...

Um, I am going to have one more baby and then call it quits... I hope it's a girl, so I can name her Cedar Rose or Cedar Sue. After this last one I am going to have my tubes tied. (Unless it's twins again, because I am going for an even number...) It kind of makes me sad that I won't have any more babies, but I think I have reached my limit, you know?

Brett really likes his job, and I think he may actually "go somewhere" with this one. He wants to get his general contractor's license as soon as he is eligible, but I think he'll just continue to do finish carpentry - rather than build houses.

My friend Melissa came out from PA last week. We met up in SLC and I spent about 4 hours with her. It was great. She had to keep going, so that was all the time I got, but it was like it had been 11 minutes, rather than 11 years since we last saw each other.

I have been having a lot of "spite the Lord" thoughts, like "I'm just going to play poker", or "I just won't pay my tithing", and I feel like a stupid rebellious teenager. I haven't acted on any of them, but I would really like to know what I have become such a target for Satan. I am really not liking that dude! I want my happiness back, please!

I've been having a "when it rains, it pours" life - with it currently being monsoon season over at the Miller's.

As you know, Brett lost his job. He's got a new one now, doing finish carpentry, but he's only making about $31k a year (with overtime, assuming he can always have overtime), compared to the $48k that he used to be making.

Dad's not talking to me, and I think it's because he is afraid that I'll ask him for money. We were all set to refinance our house, closing last Friday (it would have taken our payment down about $600/month) and it got shut down by an auditor on Thursday, because they didn't agree with the appraisal.

So, I decided that my depression is probably a little more than I can handle on my own, and started taking Zoloft on Friday. I was having an "up" for a while, and thought that everything was good, and then found myself on a very low "down". Mostly just completely apathetic. Kids need lunch? Don't care. Kids broke something? Don't care. I realized that this was a totally unacceptable way to be. It's irrational, but I feel really dumb for not being able to "snap out of it". I hope the Zoloft works.

Plus, I think my period is coming. Ack!

So, Brett got a job doing finish carpentry. He's not making (nearly) as much, but it has a lot more opportunities for the future (ie, he could go out on his own with finish carpentry, or get his general contractor license, etc). I applied for that telemarketing job from home, thought I had it in the bag, and never heard back from them. Weird... I think maybe I said "um" too much when I was talking to them.

There is a HUGE market out there for cloth diapers, so I am currently working on trying to learn to sew diapers to sell. I sewed my first one today, and it was pretty sad, but at least I did it, right? As soon as I don't sew a crappy one, I'll go back to cloth diapering the twins. For now they are back in disposables, because I only have two cloth diapers that I like and it would be pretty bad if they each only wore one diaper a day. :P

Because the loan had already gone through underwriting, we may still be able to close. I'll find out this next week. Pray that we can, because then we can still keep our house.

I've had a BIG TIME "I miss Holly" week. I think I may be having a little postpartum depression... none of the "I want to kill my babies" kind, just the "I hate my life and don't want it anymore" kind. The twins are actually getting harder rather than easier. I guess if I had been logical, I would have realized that would happen. They both demand so much more attention now, and I have a hard time appeasing both. UGH. I hear it gets better by the time they are 4. LOL I need a nanny.

Brett just finished Dad's deck last night, so I should have him home again for a while. It's amazing how much he helps, what a great guy (even when I think he's being a big fat grumpy jerk.)

So, I had an emotional meltdown on Friday. I'm not going to stress you out with the details, but suffice it to say it was a long horrible day.
Something good did come out of it though. I was able to sit down with Dad and be STRAIGHT UP honest with him about some feelings I had been having, and that made me feel better. As a result of said meltdown, Brett and I are selling the house, and Brett is going to get a new job.

We went to The Mayan yesterday to celebrate Grandma Miller's birthday (today July 3) and when they started playing the dramatic music that indicates the divers are about to go, I about lost it. I was getting all teary-eyed and emotional. It was SO dumb. But, it made me think of Holly, because she gets emotional over dumb stuff too!

Twins are not as hard as I had expected. Maybe having Audesi and Zach prepped me, but it's not so bad. There are times when they are both crying and I am alone - that's hard, but it passes, you know?

I feel like I have forgotten how to be the mother of a newborn and my other children (well, in this case, two newborns). I'm not sure if it's because there are two, but I find myself with very little time to give to my 3 other kids. Plus, I haven't done laundry (except for baby stuff because I have to) or dishes (except one day when the cupboard was literally bare) since March (ish). Almost daily I fear I have over-extended myself and am doing a disservice to my children. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE my kids, all five of them, I just worry that I'm not being a very good mom right now. I don't dare leave the twins alone in a room, I feel like they have to be in the same room as me all the time. Thus, I find myself spending the majority of my life in my bedroom. I've never been so paranoid before (well, maybe with Ciana since she was my first), but I just can't shake it. Still, I wouldn't dare leave them in a room by themselves. Maybe it's because they are so small, I'm not sure.

I feel like I have forgotten how to be the mother of a newborn and my other children (well, in this case, two newborns). I'm not sure if it's because there are two, but I find myself with very little time to give to my 3 other kids. Plus, I haven't done laundry (except for baby stuff because I have to) or dishes (except one day when the cupboard was literally bare) since March (ish). Almost daily I fear I have over-extended myself and am doing a disservice to my children. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE my kids, all five of them, I just worry that I'm not being a very good mom right now. I don't dare leave the twins alone in a room, I feel like they have to be in the same room as me all the time. Thus, I find myself spending the majority of my life in my bedroom. I've never been so paranoid before (well, maybe with Ciana since she was my first), but I just can't shake it. Still, I wouldn't dare leave them in a room by themselves. Maybe it's because they are so small, I'm not sure.

The girls had a GREAT checkup on Thursday. They both gained 9oz in 7 days, which is 2oz more than the doctor required. WOO HOO! That puts Ketera at 6lbs 7oz and Keira at 5lbs 2oz. That really made my day! Keira also got a new monitor. They replaced her Pulse Oximeter with an Apnea monitor. Hopefully this one will be more accurate and have fewer false alarms.

I cut my hair off again. Pretty much the same style as last year when I cut it off. It was just really getting in the way when I needed to nurse the babies and stuff. I figure I can start now growing it out again.

I'm really considering getting my tubes tied. It kinda freaks me out to think that I will have 4 toddlers and then eventually 4 teenagers all at the same time. Plus, I am not sure if I can afford more children - now or in the future. I remember that when Z was born I said "I'll never have more children" and felt that way until he was about 3 months old, so I am not going to make that decision just yet. Although, if I do decide to do it, I want to do it before the end of the year since it will cost me very little or possibly nothing. (I've met my deductible and potentially my out-of-pocket maximum as well.)

We came home on Tuesday. Keira ended up needing an oxygen/pulse monitor, but it's not one that beeps all the time, just if there is a problem, so I'm not complaining. It goes off a lot, but there have only been two times that it has been a "real" alarm and she has turned blue. That is a FREAKY experience, and one I would never wish on any mother. At least she is on the monitor, so I know that it's happening even if I'm not looking at her!

Their discharge weights were: Keira 4lbs 2 oz and Ketera 5lbs 7oz.I'm glad that they sleep a lot right now, I just wish they would do it at night, not all day! My energy is pretty drained at the moment.I'm SO DANG TIRED!

The babies had a doctor's appt yesterday, and they have gained 2 oz each since their discharge. They have another appointment in the morning to check weights again, and the doctor said if Keira isn't gaining she wants to readmit her. THAT SUCKS! I've been really paying attention to what she eats now, because I don't think I can stand it if she has to go back to the hospital!

Keira also has to have 2 months apnea-free before she can be off of the monitor. That dang monitor makes it difficult even going from room to room... but, at least she's home!

Okay -- the birth story:

...continued from my last post...

On Sunday afternoon, I felt like the contractions had gotten stronger, so I headed over to the hospital again. When I got there, they checked me and I was 5cm, 80% effaced and -1 station. The doctor decided to admit me as an outpatient (rather than a delivery patient) and observe my labor overnight. So, I spent the night. I was checked a few times in the night and my cervix wasn't changing, so the doctor gave me a choice to stay or go home. I chose to go home (because sitting at the hospital is incredibly boring.) The doctor said to make sure that I came back if the contractions changed at all. Incredibly, it wasn't until Tuesday afternoon that the contractions seemed to get more frequent.

On Tuesday at about 5pm, I called my sister and my mom. My sister took me to the hospital and my mom stayed at my house with the kids. I got checked again - still 5cm and 80% effaced. I honestly expected to be sent home again. The doctor came in to talk to me, and said, "We have a few options at this point. I worry about a precipitous delivery, especially with twins. I can break your water..." I cut him off (LOL) and said "you can stop there, that's my choice." He laughed and said, "Wipe that grin off your face. This doesn't make us friends. Ha ha." I thought that was pretty funny.

Because I hadn't been tested yet for Group B Strep, I had to have 3 hours of antibiotics before they would break my water. So I was admitted and hooked up with an IV at 8:30pm. At 11:00 the anesthesia tech came in and gave me an epidural, and then the doctor came in around 11:40 and broke my water. About 2 hours after they broke my water, I started being able to feel the contractions on my right side, so the anesthesia tech came in and fixed that up for me (bless his heart). Then about 40 minutes later, I thought I could feel them again. Turns out I was actually feeling babie's head crowning. I was complete and she wasn't waiting. I was wheeled into the OR (where they deliver twins just in case of an emergency) and the doctor said, "Let's try a practice push." I pushed and out popped Baby A (Keira). "Guess that wasn't a practice." Then I pushed 3 more times (or 9 times depending on how you count it) and out came Baby B (Ketera). Keira was a little blue, so they took her over to the special care nursery and gave her some oxygen, and Ketera was breathing a little too fast, so they took her over for some IV fluids. Keira was born at 2:40am, 4lbs 11oz and 16 inches long. Ketera was born at 2:49am, 6lbs 2oz and 18 inches long. They were born on Wednesday, May 18, 2005.

We can't tell yet if they are identical - they are still a little swollen from birth, and also their weight difference makes it hard to tell. HOWEVER - they both have the same folds in their ears, the same dimple in their chin, the same baby toes that fold under their foot, and the same swirl on the back of their head, so.... maybe. The nurse said to wait a week, and see how they look then. They are doing AWESOME! Both nursing perfectly, and neither has needed any breathing assistance (other than Keira right at the first). The pediatrician has high hopes that they will be able to come home with me tomorrow. They are currently being weaned from the IV fluids, and the warmer. YAY!

Okay - I give up! This morning at 2am, I woke up to contractions. They came steadily, but weren't very painful -- however even 2 percocets weren't enough to help me sleep through them. So, finally at 5:30 I called my mom and asked her if she wanted to go for a walk with me. We went to WalMart and walked around until 8:30. By then the contractions were a little more intense, so we decided to head over to the hospital.

At the hospital the triage nurse checked me, and I was dilated to 4cm, 90% effaced and baby was at 0 station. She said "the doctor said lets wait another hour and check you again." So, an hour went by and she came back to check me. Contractions were a little worse and radiating to my back at this point. She checked me again, and I was 4+cm, 90% effaced and baby had (oddly) moved to -1 station. So, doctor said wait another hour. She checked me again that hour, and said "you are definitely changing. You are dilated to 5cm, 90% effaced and -1 station." She said that they had gotten a room ready for me, and they were just waiting for the doctor's permission to admit me. She introduced me to the L&D nurse that was assigned to me, and the L&D nurse also checked me (so she would have a baseline) and said that she would say 4+cm, 85-90% effaced and -1 station. Then she said the doctor wanted to check me himself.

About 5 minutes later the doctor came in and checked me. He said (get a load of this) that I was 3cm, 50% effaced and cervix was posterior! WHAT THE CRAP? The nurses told me after he left that he is always stingy like that. Ugh. He said he would give me one more hour and if he didn't see significant change he would send me home. Well, one more hour passed, and the L&D nurse checked me and said there was NO significant change, and she had no choice but to send me home. I was contracting every 2 minutes, with contractions at a level 6 on a 1-10 pain scale!!!

So - here I sit at home -- waiting for I don't know what before I return to the hospital. I've taken two more percocet to see if maybe I can catch some sleep, since I've been up since 2am - but it's not looking good. Also, the nurse said that Baby A has totally disengaged and is free-floating again. HUH????

WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME???

So, I thought that Thursday was the night. I was awake all night with hard contractions, and the only reason I didn't go into the hospital was because I wanted to make sure I was progressed far enough that they couldn't stop me - (well, and because I couldn't think of who to call to come stay with my kids... but that's a whole different issue). I got the video camera and plugged it in to make sure it was charged, finished up my hospital bag and then sat and waited. Then I thought to myself, "I should lay down and rest so that when I do go in, I'm not exhausted from being up all night." So, I laid down around 3am. I laid there, and laid there, contractions still coming, still hurting. The last time I looked at the clock it was 5:30am. Suddenly it was 7:30am, and Brett was leaving for work. The contractions had apparently stopped and I had dozed off. I felt (and frankly still feel) so ripped off! Friday and today ... nothing. WHAT IN THE CRAP IS THAT???

My babies are considered "full-term" in one week. I CAN'T BELIEVE IT? All this crap and I'm going to make it to term. I kinda had a feeling a couple of weeks ago. My neighbor (who had twins last month at 30 weeks) was encouraging me to get a supplemental insurance that pays you cash for every day your babies are in the NICU, and it just didn't feel right. At this point there is very little chance they would be in the NICU. My friends keep scaring me about having a boy or two boys. I would be so screwed, because I have spent about $300 on girl stuff getting ready for these munchkins.

Audesi has to have a VCUG done today (a catheter is put into her kidneys, and they are filled with radioactive dye and x-rayed) to make sure that her hydronephrosis is all cleared up. I'm nervous because I can't go in with her (x-rays and pregnancy don't mix) and they say it's a very invasive/painful procedure. I just hope she is okay. If it's not one thing, it's another.

So, I am doing good. I am on "modified bedrest" which means I have to be down in bed for 6 hours a day. It pretty much sucks. Lots of people are helping out with my kids, Mom, Sunny, Glenna and the RS. I can't wait to have these babies out of me. My poor body is so overstuffed it's falling apart! Oh, I am on bedrest because I was having pre-term labor (imagine that... Miss MyKidsAlwaysComeLate having pre-term labor), and because I had protein in my urine, which can indicate toxemia. Now besides the bedrest, I have to go into the doctor once a week and have my cervix checked (it's currently 100& effaced and dilated to 1cm), and twice a week I have to go over to Labor and Delivery and have a Non-Stress Test with blood pressure monitoring done. My life has been completely overtaken by this pregnancy. Good thing I get such a GREAT thing out of it.

Brett is trying so hard to be supportive of my bedrest and stuff, but I know it stresses him out a lot. Poor guy... I think he's rooting for an early (albeit safe) delivery.

So, being pregnant with twins is kind of sucky. I am way, way uncomfortable, and everyone treats me like an invalid. Then when I say, "hey, I'm not sick" they get all upset that I am putting my babies' health at risk. What the heck? I'm not a moron, and I'm really not going to put their health at risk, so back off. My doctor told me that he wants me to go on "modified bedrest" -- 3 periods of 2 hours a day where I lay down. When I asked him why, he said that is what they do at 24 weeks with twin pregnancies. Um, that's 6 hours a day, that I can't just waste "laying around" only because I am pregnant with twins. Give me a break. I asked him if there was any indication of a need for that, that I was missing, and he said no. So, I told him straight up that I was not going to be able to do that - because of both my life's requirements and my sanity. He actually laughed and said "take it easy, and use your common sense." That seems a lot more reasonable to me.

Brett is more worried than I am, so I have agreed to a 2 hour "rest period' every afternoon. That eases his mind.

The babies are techincally viable next Sunday, (at 24 weeks), but until 26 weeks, they only have a 20% chance of survival - with an 80% chance of mental retardation and/or physical handicap if they do survive. So, even though it doesn't appear that we will need to make this decision - Brett and I have decided (with the Lord's blessing) that we would not attempt to keep the babies alive, unless they were born after 26 weeks, where their chances actually flip-flop - 80% chance of survival with 20% of handicap. At 32 weeks, their chances are 90% survival and 2% handicap and then at 34 weeks they are considered term.

SNEAKED! The friggin' word is SNEAKED! Maybe they need to just make "snuck" a word, and save a lot of people a lot of trouble.

Zacher says "Holly. Mommy. Daddy. To Holly. Daddy. Three Holly. The sky. A light. Mommy."

Is it summer yet? ACK! I have never been a winter person, and being pregnant (and thereby counting down TWO things) is making it much harder.

I almost ended up in Labor & Delivery yesterday. I was having some pains (but not labor) and the Dr. told me that if they got worse or stuck around to head up for an NST (Non-Stress Test). I waited, and almost went once, but then finally they went away. Don't know what was up, but haven't had a problem since. I rented a doppler, so I could find both heartbeats and that was very reassuring!

I asked my doctor at the last appointment if I had a "high" risk for PTL or just a "higher" risk - (two different, things, right?) His answer was "if you go into labor anytime after 34 weeks, we won't stop you." Um, HOW was that an answer to my question?

On the whole I'm okay - pretty uncomfortable, but I am sure that is to be expected. Way more stressed about this pregnancy than I ever was with previous pregnancies, and a little frustrated about that. I feel like I have been handicapped by being labeled "high-risk". BLECH!

It still hasn't sunk in that there are two babies growing in my belly. Like, it's just so out of this world! I feel like I am in an episode of The Twilight Zone, you know? I can't even fathom things like breastfeeding, and taking them to Relief Society, etc. (Speaking of RS, I got called to teach primary today. I don't know what age yet...) TWINS! How bizarro is that?

Audesi is pretty much totally potty trained now. It's like she just decided to do it. She and Brett even went sledding and were out for 3 hours and she didn't have an accident (you know how kids get distracted when they play, and don't bother to go potty.) YAY!

First of all, let me say that I HATE coming up with a Title for each new entry. That being said...