Perpetual Unexpected Twists

Well, as you can probably see -- the once a day didn't really happen. I can give all sorts of excuses and reasons, but it remains that it didn't happen.
I'm realizing more and more how much sadness I hold inside. I think I let my mind convince me that I have nothing to be sad about, and then I hide the sadness, deny it. Recently SO MANY people have pointed out the deep sadness that they can see. I'm wondering what's in the sadness, and how to let it go.
One of the tricks of the human mind is that it convinces us we have to have a reason for everything... I don't think that's true. There is very little power in the question "why" -- a lot more power in "what can I learn".
Take care of me first. Advice I was given almost exactly a year ago, and still struggle with. My martyr comes out strong when I hear this. "What about the kids, what about my husband?" Me first. I'm scared of that. And, I see the value. A burned out engine won't run a car. Yeah.
Looking at my lessons....