Moving forward -- letting what is, be and loving it how it is.
This upheaval (wait, who called it an upheaval?) has been surprisingly painless... oh my, fun? Yeah. When I've let it be, it's been fun. When I have worried about it (fruitlessly) it has been blech-y.
I'm going to reframe --- this adventure has been a hoot! I like where I live, I like what I am doing and I am creating a lot of fulfillment.
Part of my new job is doing the administrative work for this great charity (www.inourownquietway.org), and as I have delved in to the administration, I have also found that I am volunteering a lot too. For example, see the attached pictures. We are sending two 40' shipping containers of medical, education and humanitarian supplies to Kakamega, Kenya in preparation for a medical mission in November. (Orginally we were sending one container, but the donations have flooded in...YIPPEE.) And, I "brain" knew this, but now I am experiencing it and "body" knowing it -- serving others creates joy in my life.
We're also committed to benefiting everyone involved, meaning as the recipients are blessed, so are the donors and volunteers.
So, I don't know how I am going to pay anything but my mortgage, or when or how I'll get caught up with everything else financially -- but I'm trusting that I will, and putting myself out there in service. And guess what -- people are following my lead and creating more joy in their lives (including my husband and children).
I'm digging where I am at right now.
Well, as you can probably see -- the once a day didn't really happen. I can give all sorts of excuses and reasons, but it remains that it didn't happen.
I'm realizing more and more how much sadness I hold inside. I think I let my mind convince me that I have nothing to be sad about, and then I hide the sadness, deny it. Recently SO MANY people have pointed out the deep sadness that they can see. I'm wondering what's in the sadness, and how to let it go.
One of the tricks of the human mind is that it convinces us we have to have a reason for everything... I don't think that's true. There is very little power in the question "why" -- a lot more power in "what can I learn".
Take care of me first. Advice I was given almost exactly a year ago, and still struggle with. My martyr comes out strong when I hear this. "What about the kids, what about my husband?" Me first. I'm scared of that. And, I see the value. A burned out engine won't run a car. Yeah.
Looking at my lessons....
I'm noticing that I have a lot of feelings pent up inside of me -- mostly anger, sadness and fear. I'm also noticing that I don't allow myself to let those feelings flow -- I spend a lot of energy keeping them in, rather than spending very little energy letting them out.
I'm scared to feel angry - I'm scared that I'll hurt someone's feelings, or that I'll say something I want to take back.
In reality, I am scared to feel. Scared to feel anything but happiness. And I feel sad about that. :(
So, here's what is true right now - I feel scared, sad and angry. My eyes are watering, my jaw is clenching in the back near my ears, my nose is tingling and I have the thought that I don't know where to go from here...
and a yawn...
Julianna told her mom that she wants to come live with us - and Andrea called to tell me that she wants us to consider it. Jules is here now for a few days, while we decide and sort things out.
I'm not sure what will be the best for everyone - but that's what I am committed to.
I also sent out an email asking for referrals for me or Brett to get some work. Um, yeah, it's getting scary 'round here! Blah.
My right bottom rib is KILLING me today - and the thought of having this pain for another 2.5-3 months feels like a death sentence. I'm getting a good reminder of why this is the last baby for me!
The good news...? This too shall pass. :)
I made a commitment to myself to post *something* on my blog at least once a day. Ha ha - what fun.
So, in this moment I am feeling really excited about the JREF $1M Paranormal Challenge - my sister and I are going to take on the challenge. It's interesting, because I really think we can do it. I'll post more about this as we begin to practice.
I'm feeling really scared about my financial situation - lots of outflow and not much inflow. I'm really turning it over to God at this point, because I don't see the light at the end of the tunnel...
And, in this moment what I really want is to go and take a bath. Yum. Good night.
I've recently learned the power of wondering. There is a lot of creative power in the simple sound and process of 'hmmmmmmm....' Today I am wondering how I can increase my income exponentially, without an equivalent increase in my workload.
Yep, I know it's possible, and that's what I want.
Wondering...
Hmmmmm.....
Hmmmmm....
