It's the Final Countdown

0 comments Posted by Xrad at 7:36 AM

So, Brett lost his job on Thursday. I'm not surprised, as it seemed like they were trying to push him out by not giving him any good work. They accused him of stealing something he had bought and paid for a year ago. I know he has a reputation, but he has always admitted guilt when caught, and he swears he paid for this particular item. I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt... It sucks though, and I have no idea what our future looks like. I'm pretty much still in denial, because it seems so unfathomable that we will even be able to SURVIVE now.
I applied for a telemarketing job that I can do from home. If I get it, I have to figure out how to have a "quiet work environment" and not have to put my kids in daycare... of course, I can probably qualify for state assistance for daycare. I wouldn't put the twins in, but it probably would be a lot of fun for Zach and Audesi. I don't know how enthusiastic Brett is going to be about finding a job. He can take care of them until then, right?
This sucks, you know?
Sorry to be such a downer this week. It's been kinda crappy. Blah.

 

Hola

0 comments Posted by Xrad at 1:05 PM

I've had a BIG TIME "I miss Holly" week. I think I may be having a little postpartum depression... none of the "I want to kill my babies" kind, just the "I hate my life and don't want it anymore" kind. The twins are actually getting harder rather than easier. I guess if I had been logical, I would have realized that would happen. They both demand so much more attention now, and I have a hard time appeasing both. UGH. I hear it gets better by the time they are 4. LOL I need a nanny.

Brett just finished Dad's deck last night, so I should have him home again for a while. It's amazing how much he helps, what a great guy (even when I think he's being a big fat grumpy jerk.)

 

Up/Down

0 comments Posted by Xrad at 11:03 PM

So, I had an emotional meltdown on Friday. I'm not going to stress you out with the details, but suffice it to say it was a long horrible day.
Something good did come out of it though. I was able to sit down with Dad and be STRAIGHT UP honest with him about some feelings I had been having, and that made me feel better. As a result of said meltdown, Brett and I are selling the house, and Brett is going to get a new job.

We went to The Mayan yesterday to celebrate Grandma Miller's birthday (today July 3) and when they started playing the dramatic music that indicates the divers are about to go, I about lost it. I was getting all teary-eyed and emotional. It was SO dumb. But, it made me think of Holly, because she gets emotional over dumb stuff too!

 

0 comments Posted by Xrad at 10:56 PM

Twins are not as hard as I had expected. Maybe having Audesi and Zach prepped me, but it's not so bad. There are times when they are both crying and I am alone - that's hard, but it passes, you know?

So, Sam called me the other day and wanted to know the exact amount of child support that he owed me, and I said "around $7k". He said, "I thought it was more like $5k." I asked why and he said he wanted to get caught up (by adding a small amount to each monthly payment so he is current by the time Ciana reaches 18). I said, "I'll compromise and we'll say $6k." He hemmed and hahed, but finally agreed. We'll see how long that lasts.
AAAARGH! Zach and Audesi have RSV! I think they picked it up from Chase. How in the heck did they all catch RSV in the middle of June??? I am so worried about the twins catching it. I cannot handle it if they end up hospitalized!
I'm ready to get Zach a lung transplant. He literally catches every respiratory illness that crosses his path.
Brett stayed home from work today to keep Z & A quarantined and away from the babies.
I'm still in shock - how did this happen????
What else? I dunno. Please pray for me and Brett. We're pretty broke - he's making the same as winter hours this quarter because he pay went WAY down. (Stupid-gay Lone Peak Trailers.) Dad and Morgan have given him some work, but it's just enough to cover the bills.

 

0 comments Posted by Xrad at 10:53 PM

I feel like I have forgotten how to be the mother of a newborn and my other children (well, in this case, two newborns). I'm not sure if it's because there are two, but I find myself with very little time to give to my 3 other kids. Plus, I haven't done laundry (except for baby stuff because I have to) or dishes (except one day when the cupboard was literally bare) since March (ish). Almost daily I fear I have over-extended myself and am doing a disservice to my children. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE my kids, all five of them, I just worry that I'm not being a very good mom right now. I don't dare leave the twins alone in a room, I feel like they have to be in the same room as me all the time. Thus, I find myself spending the majority of my life in my bedroom. I've never been so paranoid before (well, maybe with Ciana since she was my first), but I just can't shake it. Still, I wouldn't dare leave them in a room by themselves. Maybe it's because they are so small, I'm not sure. icon_confused.gif

The girls had a GREAT checkup on Thursday. They both gained 9oz in 7 days, which is 2oz more than the doctor required. WOO HOO! That puts Ketera at 6lbs 7oz and Keira at 5lbs 2oz. That really made my day!
Keira also got a new monitor. They replaced her Pulse Oximeter with an Apnea monitor. Hopefully this one will be more accurate and have fewer false alarms.
Oh yeah, I cut my hair off again. Pretty much the same style as last year when I cut it off. It was just really getting in the way when I needed to nurse the babies and stuff. I figure I can start now growing it out again.
I'm really considering getting my tubes tied. It kinda freaks me out to think that I will have 4 toddlers and then eventually 4 teenagers all at the same time. Plus, I am not sure if I can afford more children - now or in the future. I remember that when Z was born I said "I'll never have more children" and felt that way until he was about 3 months old, so I am not going to make that decision just yet. Although, if I do decide to do it, I want to do it before the end of the year since it will cost me very little or possibly nothing. (I've met my deductible and potentially my out-of-pocket maximum as well.)
Ocean's Twelve was kind of a disappointment (to me at least) - It's not that it's bad, but it wasn't great. It was only as good as Ocean's Eleven.

So, Andrea got married last night. His name is Mark. He is a total geek, but he's a serious improvement over Brad (or Bryce for that matter). Speaking of Andrea, Josh has started to get a "teenager attitude". He's always been such a good kid, I hope he doesn't blow it now. It's not like he is doing drugs or sneaking out or anything, he just talks back and argues with his mom now. Good thing he doesn't dare do it with me. LOL He goes to EFY on July 18 (same session as Asierleigh), so I hope that spiritual high helps. Sheesh - teenagers!

 

*sigh*

0 comments Posted by Xrad at 5:47 PM

I feel like I have forgotten how to be the mother of a newborn and my other children (well, in this case, two newborns). I'm not sure if it's because there are two, but I find myself with very little time to give to my 3 other kids. Plus, I haven't done laundry (except for baby stuff because I have to) or dishes (except one day when the cupboard was literally bare) since March (ish). Almost daily I fear I have over-extended myself and am doing a disservice to my children. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE my kids, all five of them, I just worry that I'm not being a very good mom right now. I don't dare leave the twins alone in a room, I feel like they have to be in the same room as me all the time. Thus, I find myself spending the majority of my life in my bedroom. I've never been so paranoid before (well, maybe with Ciana since she was my first), but I just can't shake it. Still, I wouldn't dare leave them in a room by themselves. Maybe it's because they are so small, I'm not sure.

The girls had a GREAT checkup on Thursday. They both gained 9oz in 7 days, which is 2oz more than the doctor required. WOO HOO! That puts Ketera at 6lbs 7oz and Keira at 5lbs 2oz. That really made my day! Keira also got a new monitor. They replaced her Pulse Oximeter with an Apnea monitor. Hopefully this one will be more accurate and have fewer false alarms.

I cut my hair off again. Pretty much the same style as last year when I cut it off. It was just really getting in the way when I needed to nurse the babies and stuff. I figure I can start now growing it out again.

I'm really considering getting my tubes tied. It kinda freaks me out to think that I will have 4 toddlers and then eventually 4 teenagers all at the same time. Plus, I am not sure if I can afford more children - now or in the future. I remember that when Z was born I said "I'll never have more children" and felt that way until he was about 3 months old, so I am not going to make that decision just yet. Although, if I do decide to do it, I want to do it before the end of the year since it will cost me very little or possibly nothing. (I've met my deductible and potentially my out-of-pocket maximum as well.)

 

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